Matt Owen Freelance Writer

As told to Matt Owen JEREMY HUNT Speaking as someone who sounds not quite as mad as Boris, I implore Conservative Party members to think about what they really want from their party when they vote for the leader. As someone who has a tremendous amount of experience fucking things up in government, I would like to say that I am without a shadow of a doubt, more experienced when it comes to fucking things right up, not only for the party, but for the country. I would leave no s

People often come up to me in the streets and ask me, “Boris”, because they like to think they know me, and have some kind of real connection, but in reality, this isn’t true. They don’t know me at all. Anyway, members of the public constantly ask me “what on Earth is going on with Brexit?” Then they say “Why is that weak, useless, spineless woman Theresa May still Prime Minister? And why are you cycling to work when you’ve got enough money to buy one of your own daft buses?”

When we look back at 2016, it will go down in history as the year in which all the so-called “experts” who write books and have qualifications coming out of their ears were finally proved wrong. The Guardian-reading, Ken Loach box set-owning elite sat in their metropolitan ivory towers, eating vegetarian Tofu or whatever it is they insist on calling food, have had their day - the voice of the common people has finally been heard. It all began on that fateful day in June when

In my first speech to conference as Home Secretary I wanted to leave my own personal stamp on proceedings by putting my foot down with a positive hand. I believe I achieved this goal and several other goals, of which I shall come to later when I can remember them fully. First of all I’d like to say that there’s been a lot of scaremongering following my announcement that there’s to be a crackdown on layabout scrounging foreigners who take up all the poorly-paid, 70-hour-a-week

In just two days, ladies and gentleman of this country I have the fortune of calling “Great Britain”, we have the opportunity of finally rectifying all the wrongdoings of the last forty years by voting for a Brexit, and at the same time ensuring I get to make my 479th consecutive Question Time appearance. The proof is in the eating of the pudding when it comes to days like Thursday 23rd June. When I say pudding, I don’t mean foreign sorbets and Italian ice creams with fancy-D