Matt Owen Freelance Writer

People say to me “You know, David…”, and you know what, I have to stop them right there. I stop them right there and tell them to their face

As told to Matt Owen JEREMY HUNT Speaking as someone who sounds not quite as mad as Boris, I implore Conservative Party members to think about what they really want from their party when they vote for the leader. As someone who has a tremendous amount of experience fucking things up in government, I would like to say that I am without a shadow of a doubt, more experienced when it comes to fucking things right up, not only for the party, but for the country. I would leave no s

People often come up to me in the streets and ask me, “Boris”, because they like to think they know me, and have some kind of real connection, but in reality, this isn’t true. They don’t know me at all. Anyway, members of the public constantly ask me “what on Earth is going on with Brexit?” Then they say “Why is that weak, useless, spineless woman Theresa May still Prime Minister? And why are you cycling to work when you’ve got enough money to buy one of your own daft buses?”

When you’re Prime Minister of a major country such as England, sorry, Great Britain, you have little time for the things most people take for granted. Take for instance walking holidays in North Wales with your husband, Dennis. I had to plan this way ahead, because you never know what beastly terror cells are hiding away in deepest, darkest Snowdonia. Some of the people still speak Welsh when you walk into the gift shops which have just been swept for mines and listening equi