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  • Matt Owen

Donald Trumps Campaign Blog


Good evening fellow Americans. If you’re in a different country, and not a US citizen and therefore reading this blog in a different time zone, good morning or afternoon fellow foreigners who aren’t blessed by God or possess the right to open carry. However, I must stress now that this friendly greeting will not be extended to pansy-ass liberals who threaten to dismantle the American dream, Islamic extremists or that Scotchman who took a dump in the 9th hole of my luxury 5 Star Golf resort in Aberdeenford, Ireland, last Thursday.

In my bid to become the next President Of The United States of America, America, I have met many good people who plead with me to make sure we see some change, and I ask them what change do they want to see ? Do they want a reality TV show in which I choose who’s going to be my next golf cart chauffer? Do they want to live in a country where everyone over the age of 14 is free to own an Apache Attack Helicopter? Do they want to live in a country where even the poorest families qualify for a sub-prime mortgage to pay for their own luxury 18-hole golf theme park? Because if that’s what they truly want, then I’m the man to deliver it.

We live in dark, troubling and dangerous times, people – for instance, take modern-day terrorism. At one time, terror was the domain of friendly, fun-loving Irishmen with a twinkle in their eye, a Uilleann pipe soundtrack which followed them around and a two English pence piece in their hand with which they’d call a jaunty coded warning into the authorities from a quaint red telephone box, which still had a usable telephone directory hanging from a piece of string. Nowadays, terrorism is used by – and I will not mince my words here – bad people who have absolutely zero respect for the noble terrorist traditions which I have just alluded to.

I have been blessed with foresight– and not the sort of foresight which allows me to tell you it’ll be cool with a few showers in the New Jersey suburbs - but a vision which separates me from your average Joe in the street. I’m afraid to say that what Donald Trump sees (besides Donald Trump referring to himself in the Third Person a lot more over the next few months) is an influx of immigrants, so huge, so massive, so….er quite big that the US will topple over slightly on their arrival, causing flash floods to occur, giving rise to millions of Thanksgiving Turkey dinners to be ruined, Bill Shatners girdle to perish and my luxury handgun resort in Miami to suffer biblical damage.

How do I know this will happen? Well I had the foresight to commission an independent, unbiased scientific paper published recently, entitled “What I Think Will Happen If A Bunch Of Illegals Enter Our Country And Turn It Into An Unholy Shithole”. That’s how I know it will happen. I draw several conclusions at the end of the report, the most quoted being my theory that the building of a 700-foot-high wall around the United States itself - complete with machine gun towers, snipers and a moat containing alligators and the big mechanical shark featured in Jaws VII: Shrimp Cocktail Revenge - will enable everyone to sleep safely in our beds. Well, not everyone – myself, Ted Nugent and a few of my endangered species hunting buddies from the country club.


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