Jack Whitehall's, Like Blog
“ Like, talk to the hand dude “, is what I say when someone goes on about me being born with a silver spoon in my, like, mouth – I mean, “get a life and grow some you loser” is what I also say. Well, actually, I don't – it's usually the clever chap who writes the funny jokes on my Twitter account who came back with something like that. Actually I'm so from a normal, everyday background it's not true - you, know it's the usual kind of thing: Mummy was an actress, Daddy was Judi Dench's and Colin Firth's agent – oh yes, and Nigel Havers is my Godfather. So just like everyone else in this wretched business we call “show”, I had to pay my dues and climb that greasy pole by meeting producers and actors at dreary family dinner parties.
People come up to me in the street and ask me “ what's it like being a stand-up comedian ? “. The answer to that question is usually, “I'm not really sure – hang on, I'll call one of my writers and ask him to text you something funny ”. I know that the Irish chap who wrote Father Ted doesn't seem to think I know what it's like being a stand-up comedian. At least that's what he seemed to say on Twitter. Well, that was before he deleted it when all my followy chums began swearing at him. Actually, now I come to think of it, I think the Irish chap's another man my Father's friends with. Well he used to be, anyway.
As a stand-up it's my job to talk about things that affect us all in our everyday lives – this is how the performer connects with his, like, audience. For instance, take my famous routine which goes “ Don't you really hate it when Stinker Patterson throws his cricket box at you in double Latin and Mr Ashcroft bans you from the tuck shop for a week and Mummy stops your allowance which means you can only spend three weeks skiing in Meribel.“ I can assure you all this always gets a mega reaction from the audience and is the high point of my act ( based on data collated by my management's focus group ). Yes, that that and the one about “what's the deal with family holidays spent in Tuscany and the Bahamas?“ always kills. Last time I did it in the Laughter Shack in Bermondsey there was this, like, kind of silence, followed by a massive noise which my agent Lucy told me was sort of, like, edgy cheering and clapping.
In my next television role I'm going to be playing a slightly dense, posh, twenty-something guy who has hang-ups about being a slightly dense, posh, twenty-something guy. The show, which is called Everything's, Like, Amazing is being made by, like, BBC3 and it has a brilliant script, written by yours truly and another chap who Lucy has told me is like, so cool. I asked Lucy if it'd help if we met up to write it, but she said that it's not really important and that “despite the fact he's, like amazingly funny and really, really talented, he can be really negative and might bring you down. “
* Everything's, Like, Amazing is on BBC3 tonight at 10pm for the next 11 years; Jack Whitehall 457-date tour of military & civil aircraft hangars starts tomorrow and his Christmas DVD Jack Whitehall: Live & Safe is available from everywhere, forever.