• Matt Owen

Kirstie Allsopp Is Very Cross

Well I don’t know – what is a girl to do? You go out of your way to help your fellow overweight, working class man (or woman – they’re even worse – especially the awful ones who wear leggings and pick their grandchildren up from the school gates dressed in onesies) by pointing out on Twitter that what they're eating is going to put them in hospital - and not a nice private one with an a la carte menu and a daytime Botox clinic. Oh no, it'll be one of those ghastly places with an A&E department full of horrid children with saucepans on their heads and teenagers regurgitating alcopops and Cheese Strings over the staff.

And what do I get for my troubles? Shouted down and abused by a mob of horrid, jealous, small-minded people – it was even worse than a Location, Location, Location wrap party.

Over a 9-course supper including Foie Gras, oysters, caviar, truffles and yummy double chocolate fudge pudding with Henrietta, Rupert and Olivia in the Ivy, we discussed the nation’s health, and agreed I was doing a favour to this fatty who I’d “called out” on Twitter. We then discussed the heffalump working classes’ strain on the NHS further, over the cheeseboard, Port, coffee and mints.

Apart from the fact I’ve always had a very comfortable safety net to fall back on if I didn’t like any of the jobs and opportunities which were handed to me on a silver platter, I’m just like every other normal person trying to get on in life. In short, I’m just your honest, everyday millionaire girl-next-door, although to actually live next door to me, you’d have to be a millionaire as well.

What people can’t take away from me is the fact that my career as a TV presenter is only surpassed by the likes of Sir Bruce Forsyth, Dame David Dimbleby and Davina McCall. With the trusty Phil (I’ve forgotten his surname again) by my side we’ve carried all before us in the iconic programme that is Location, Location, Location. It was us two who put the property show on the map (that’s my best joke - don’t you dare edit it out). We have super chemistry - Phil’s qualified to present the show because he’s a surveyor, landlord and property expert, whilst I’ve lived in a house.

Location, Location, Location was originally called Location, Location, Location, Location, but as a woman, mother and recycler I instinctively knew that that was one ‘Location’ too many and immediately told Channel 4 to lose the last one. Nailed it.

From there we never looked back. After that we made Relocation, Relocation; Relocation, Relocation, Relocation; Demarcation, Demarcation and Locomotion, Locomotion. After running out of programme titles which ended in “tion”, we then decided to change it up a bit and do Location Revisited which seemed to work for a bit, well up until the first set of adverts came on during the first show, anyway.

Since then I’ve branched out and I’ve presented many different types of TV programmes to demonstrate that I’m a strong, multi-talented woman with a mind of her own who’s not afraid to push the boundaries when it comes to making twee, cosy, middle class entertainment which drives people to go down the pub or watch The Bourne Supremacy for the 57th time over on ITV2.

Now, apart from the fact all the shows were about property - just like Location, Location, Location - none of them were actually called Location, Location, Location which in my mind makes them totally different and original. There was also Property Chain; Kirstie’s Homemade Home; Kirstie’s Maximum Security Facilities; Kirstie’s Chemical Toilets; Kirstie’s Handmade Britain and of course Kirstie’s Handjob Britain, which never quite made it past the pilot phase.

#KirstieAllsopp #comedy #satire #locationlocationlocation #Funny #Spoof #Diary #CelebrityBlog #Blog #Twitter

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