AI, AI, NO.

Unaccustomed as I am to writing blog pieces about the fact AI is a wretched pain in the arse, here I am writing one.

The subject of AI in the shape of ChatGTP or whatever tool people use is unfortunately a ‘hot topic’ these days. To quote the Bard, it’s become a “real pisser” for those of us who earn a living as a writer. Or rather, try to. For a good while I was a freelance comedy writer for the telly, radio, who also dabbled in journalism. Why, sometimes I’d get the odd call to work on adverts. It would’ve been nice to work purely in comedy. Writing professionally is niche enough, comedy writing is super niche.

But, as the work dried up, you adapt and get whatever work you can. Copywriting, greetings cards, shopping lists. I might be fibbing about one of those. Then it started to get really bad, and I walked away from writing and got a job cleaning in a pub. I loved that job, it was ace. I didn’t spend 70% of my time looking for work (which is what a freelance writer does, unless you’re dead lucky or dead good). I also didn’t spend most of my time beating myself up about what could’ve been regarding my “career.”

Anyway, enough angst-ridden struggling artist cobblers. Around ten years ago I got back into writing and a friend of my wife suggested I tried writing wedding speeches. They said they’d read an article about it, and that it was definitely a “thing.”

So, I began advertising my wares as a wedding speech writer, and it didn’t take long for me to get work. Quite a lot of it. Regular work, which is like gold dust for a freelancer. It grew and grew and turned into a nice little earner – nothing massive.

That is until a couple of years ago. I use a website called Hitched (as well as my own site) which attracts business. Things began to slow down – gradually at first. Add to that I began to notice assorted tyre kickers (individuals who continually tease car salesman without actually buying anything). These people were either emailing me directly or through the wedding website. I’d quote them a (reasonable) figure, and I’d never hear from them again.

So, the word on the street is that there are more and more people using AI to write their wedding speech. Each to their own I say, but in scientific terms using this “tool” is a bit like splitting the atom using an adjustable spanner.  As a result of this, the vast majority of ChatGPT speeches sound like a satnav ordering a kebab.

In the interests of showing you what you get when you ask ChatGPT for a Best Man’s speech, I did a little research. Here’s what it came up with when I typed in some random names and a little bit more information.

Good evening everyone,For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Dave—I work with Gary. And when I say we work together… I mean we spend our days at a sewage works. So, if I seem unusually comfortable talking rubbish in public, now you know why.I’ve known Gary for years, and honestly, I never thought I’d see the day he’d get married. Not because he couldn’t find someone… but because I didn’t think anyone would agree to take him on full-time.And yet, Julie… here you are. Brave. Inspirational.Now, working at a sewage plant, you get pretty good at identifying questionable situations. And when Gary first told me he’d met Julie, I thought, “Finally—something in his life that doesn’t smell terrible.”But in all seriousness, Julie, you’ve done something none of us thought possible—you’ve turned Gary into a respectable adult. He shows up on time, he dresses properly, and I’m pretty sure he’s started using words with more than one syllable.Gary, mate, I’ve seen you at your best… and unfortunately at your worst. And somehow, Julie has seen all of that and still decided, “Yes, that’s the one.”That’s not just love—that’s commitment.Julie, you are genuinely amazing. You’re kind, patient, and clearly have a great sense of humor… which you’ll need. But honestly, you bring out the best in Gary, and it’s been great to see him this happy.Gary, jokes aside, you’ve done incredibly well. You’ve found someone who makes you better, keeps you grounded, and somehow puts up with you—which is no small achievement.So let’s raise a glass—To Julie and Gary: may your life together be full of love, laughter… and Gary, may you finally learn that what we deal with at work stays at work.Cheers!

Now, it’s difficult to know where to start with this. Firstly, I’ll point out that this is 300 words long. I always tell people to “keep it brief” but when I say this, I mean “don’t bang on for 15 minutes, the bar’s open already”.

You need 1,000 -1,200 words for a best man speech, by and large. This is the speech where the groom gets a bit of ribbing, not too much and you say a few nice words about your mate and his bride.

Now, when I typed in that Dave and Gary worked in a sewage works, I thought old robot bollocks would be prompted to come up with a few hilarious tales.

But of course not, we’re dealing with Tinribs here, and the best it can do is “we spend our days at a sewage works. So, if I seem unusually comfortable talking rubbish in public, now you know why!!” WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVE?

If you work in a sewage works you might come up with something along the lines of “We might work in a sewage works, but there’ll be no filthy material in my speech.”

IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU DAVE YOU DUMB HUNK OF WIRES!

I’ve known Gary for years, and honestly, I never thought I’d see the day he’d get married. Not because he couldn’t find someone… but because I didn’t think anyone would agree to take him on full-time.

If you’ve known Gary for years maybe mention some of the hilarious tales from work, and of course there might be a few other stories you can tell the audience. They want to hear something amusing, interesting, or just a bit daft.

“I didn’t think anyone would agree to take him on full-time” “FULL-TIME?” Julie’s his wife, not his line manager. Sakes Dave.

Now, working at a sewage plant, you get pretty good at identifying questionable situations. And when Gary first told me he’d met Julie, I thought, “Finally—something in his life that doesn’t smell terrible.”

“You get pretty good at identifying questionable situations” – WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY QUESTIONABLE? Are you referring to poo in your best man speech, Dave?

And when Gary first told me he’d met Julie, I thought, “Finally—something in his life that doesn’t smell terrible.”

NOOOOOO! DAVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU’VE JUST COMPARED YOUR BEST MATE’S WIFE TO A LONELY TURD.

But in all seriousness, Julie, you’ve done something none of us thought possible—you’ve turned Gary into a respectable adult. He shows up on time, he dresses properly, and I’m pretty sure he’s started using words with more than one syllable.

“But in all seriousness, Julie, this AI-penned speech really is the worst kind of hackneyed rubbish. You deserve so much more than this but here I am whirring and clanking out a load of old boring toot when you should be getting something warm and witty. Let’s face it, Dave’s a big old cheapskate.”

Gary, mate, I’ve seen you at your best… and unfortunately at your worst. And somehow, Julie has seen all of that and still decided, “Yes, that’s the one.”

Gary mate, I couldn’t be bothered to get a proper speech down myself or even ask a professional speechwriter to pen one for you. Unfortunately, what you have is a few half-arsed platitudes which must be making Julie think, “If this is his best man, then Aunty Jean’s got a big pair of sweaty old bollocks on her.”

Julie, you are genuinely amazing. You’re kind, patient, and clearly have a great sense of humor… which you’ll need. But honestly, you bring out the best in Gary, and it’s been great to see him this happy.

Julie, don’t worry this speech will soon be over, and you can go and get pissed stupid and have a good moan to your friends about what a lazy bastard Dave is. Oh, and it’s ‘humour’ with a “U.”

Gary, jokes aside, you’ve done incredibly well. You’ve found someone who makes you better, keeps you grounded, and somehow puts up with you—which is no small achievement.

JOKES, DAVE? I SEE NO JOKES.

So, let’s raise a glass—To Julie and Gary: may your life together be full of love, laughter… and Gary, may you finally learn that what we deal with at work stays at work. Cheers!

SOMETHING, SOMETHING, LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE SOMETHING.

If you want a proper speech, use a proper writer (that's me!)