DOMINIC CUMMINGS'S DRESS DOWN BREXIT
As Told To Matt Owen
Everyone’s banging on and on about “when are we going to get Brexit done?” and my simple reply is “Hey! Brexit will be done when I say it’s done – capisce?”…er, I mean Brexit will be done when Boris Johnson says it’s done: not when Michel Barnier says it’s done; not when Donald Tusk says it’s done; and not when Stephen Barclay says it’s done. Ah yeah – forgot, he’s one of ours.
It’s unthinkable that three and-and-a-half years after voting to leave the EU, Great Britain is still at the mercy of un-elected, faceless individuals. Whilst I was at the Conservative conference, I mentioned this in conversation with several government ministers, all of whom gave me a funny look for some reason or other. For some reason I got the feeling I wasn’t welcome in Manchester that week. For instance, someone put an opened tin of Skipjack tuna behind the radiator in my hotel room – let me tell you, it stunk the place out even more than Esther McVey’s speech. Even Mark Francois blanked me at the bar and carried on playing spoof with Michael Gove and Liz Truss.
I’ve known Boris Johnson, or “Prime Minister”, as he prefers to be called now, for many years. At least I think its many years. Maybe it just seems like a long time. Anyway, I’ve known Boris long enough to know that here stands a man. A man who understands the man in the street who isn’t scared to duck issues or projectiles that are thrown at him by the man in the street. Boris and myself have this bond – a special bond. Not Pierce Brosnan Bond, or George Lazenby Bond, but Roger Moore, Sean Connery Bond – the very best Bond you could ever wish for, with a theme by Shirley Bassey, not Sam Smith. That's the Bond I'm talking about. I’m talking proper Bond.
The first time Boris and myself met, I was hanging out in my local Pret a Manger – eating a Mung Bean & Branston Pickle wrap whilst sipping on a Latte. I could immediately tell that here was a guy going places as he tried in vain to get into his flapjack. He started smashing it on the table “SMASH! SMASH!” with his pudgy, flushed fist – he was obviously frustrated and just a little bit angry. I thought to myself, right there - "here’s a guy who won’t take 'no snack' for an answer", as he wrestled manfully with his flapjack. As he pounded the flapjack to crummy pulp, a group of people had gathered outside and were banging on the window and shouting, one of whom breathed heavily on the window and wrote “CUNT” backwards on the glass, so we could read it on the inside, which I thought was rather resourceful.
Since I appeared on the Number 10 scene, I’ve been inundated with numerous questions. The questions range from “Would you like chilli sauce with that?” to “Why do you turn up to Downing Street dressed like a seasoned sex tourist?” You know, all the usual questions us political strategists get asked…all the time.
Being a political strategist isn’t all work, work, work. Oh no, Dominic gets to have a little “Me” time as well. Just the other week I spent the day playing Hangman with Priti Patel, who I must say is an absolute crackerjack when it comes to board games. After she “kicked my ass”, so to speak, she went on to challenge me to a game of the board game Operation. She has a specially adapted version, whereby you have the option of administering a lethal injection to the patient. Which she did, thus revealing something of a glint in those dead eyes for the first time that day. What a joy she is.
I do hope you’ve been enjoying the Get Ready for Brexit public information films we prepared for you. I have to say I’m extremely proud of them, and hope the messages are coming over loud and clear to the British public. Messages such as “Help Me Understand the Flavour Colour Coding on Foreign Snacks”; “How Much Will 200 Bensons Cost Me in Hungary?” and “Can I Get A Pint Of John Smiths Smooth On My All-Inclusive To Kavos?”
I have to say I'm a tad disappointed that the Brexit public information films weren’t as dramatic and entertaining as those you used to get in the seventies. I wanted to go with a retro, “Let’s scare the living piss out of everyone” feel to them. It’s a little-known fact that the ghostly black-clad figure stood by the water in the classic Lonely Water was played by yours truly. Yes, that was me waiting to prey on all those poor, unsuspecting folk about to topple into the cold, unforgiving, troubled waters. I’m sure there’s a parallel to be drawn, but for the life of me, I can’t think of one right now.