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KEVIN PIETERSEN GIVES IT TO YOU STRAIGHT

As Told To Matt Owen


Hi guys and ladies, and people who don’t identify as one thing or the other (I know, I know - but my editor’s told me to be careful these days, what with all this political correctness that’s going around, but hey, I don’t make the rules).


You can place the blame of all this PC nonsense we have to go about with, at the feet of the media, which is riddled with do-gooding liberals who are threatening our free speech. I was chatting to my old mucker Darren “Goughie” Gough about this very subject recently, whilst commentating on the cricket for talkSPORT. Or was it when I was doing my stint for Sky Sports? There again, I might’ve mentioned it in one of the newspaper columns I write, I’m not sure. All I know is that there are certain people out there who are trying to shut down my right to have a platform.


Goughie reckons that PC has gone completely mad and is spoiling everything for him and his mates he goes paintballing with. You name it, everything has gone tits up because of all the moaning minnies who can’t stand the likes of us regular multi-millionaire white guys who call a spade a spade. We’ve got to start realising that life will never be the same now we’re all “woke”.


When I was younger, being “woke” meant you weren’t asleep! Just my little joke, there – I hope you enjoyed it. On a more serious note, “woke” now means something else, and it totally makes me sick to my stomach that some of the most above board, wholesome, family friendly words are now out of bounds. As a parent, and a family man I know that at a social gathering I can no longer use words or phrases such as “helmet”, “teabag”, and “felch”, because sadly they have all been given different meanings in this sick, twisted and depraved world we inhabit (actually I think “felch” has always been quite naughty). Our beautiful language has been polluted. I hope you’re happy Woketards.


Not being able to say certain words on the radio, you and your mates not being able to go to a fancy dress party done up as the cast of The Black & White Minstrels – everything’s been ruined by these social justice nitwits. Haven’t they ever heard of guys having a laugh? I mean, everyone likes having a laugh – you, me, him, her, me again. We all love poking fun at the most vulnerable guy in the commentary box who we reckon is still a virgin. However, as a massively popular, sensitive and really popular guy amongst the guys, I realise that I have my responsibilities to say “enough is enough” after we’ve been ribbing him for 8 hours.


The problem is, there are too many do-gooders in this world. Too many people who want to take away our right to free speech. If this dumb social justice nonsense was going on 25 years ago when I was at school, I wouldn’t have been able to experience the sheer thrill of cosying up to the school bully and terrorising the kids in the years below me (I only picked on the guys who didn’t have big brothers who were a bit handy). I can safely say that being a complete shit has never done me any harm.


The other day I caused what is known as a “Twitter storm”. You know why that is? Because I told the truth. I gave the people an ultimatum. And you know what? The leftard wokerati didn’t like what they heard. All I said was that if you don’t like your Prime Minister (who not everyone voted for, and quite a lot of people think is a bit of a dick, but that’s not the point I was making) then you can shut up or put up, or go and sign million dollar contracts with various host broadcasters, and buy several homes around the world, like I have. Simple.


As it goes, I’m big muckers with Boris Johnson or “Boris”, as his PR person told me his team prefers him to be called. I’d met him a few times when I was a player, and later at functions when I was a brand ambassador for Harpic (The home of expert cleaning power). As a very open and honest guy who secretly texted the opposition messages about how to get my own captain out, I found Boris to be a very open and honest guy. I can’t imagine him texting Vladimir Putin texts about the weaknesses in his team! Just my little joke there. We spoke a little about his life in politics, and what a bunch of complete bastards the media are. But mainly we spoke about me.


The other bone I had to pick with Twitter folk the other day was the way everyone keeps having a go at Donald Trump. “Come on guys”, I pleaded with the fools, “He’s the President – it’s a really, really difficult job, even more difficult than me writing one of my newspaper columns which look totally different when published”.


Give the guy a break for goodness sakes! He’s doing a magnificent job making America great again. In fact, shortly after that I tweeted him telling him he should take a leaf out Great Britain’s book and call America “Great America”. Still waiting for him to get back to me.


The fact is this: guys like Trump don’t grow on trees – and if he did grow on a tree it’d have to be one of those big Californian Redwoods you can drive a car through at the base. Because let’s face it, Trump’s a big guy in every respect of the word. He’s got big ideas, a big golfing retreat and a big pair of trousers with an elasticated waist. Everything about him tells you he’s a winner – his wife Ivanka makes a wonderful first lady, and Trump Tower is one of the most magnificent buildings in the world. I stayed at the one in New York and let me tell I was very impressed with my gold-plated trouser press.


#KevinPietersen #spoof #comedy #cricket #Trump #BorisJohnson #satire #politics

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