VAUGHANY’S COMMON SENSE BLOG
As told to Matt Owen
When stumps are drawn and the fat lady sings, the only thing that matters to a blue-blooded Englishman is winning the Ashes, lifting the FIFA World Cup, and in my case, getting my own show on TalkSport, where I can freely share my slightly off-colour views with the great British public.
But I don’t just want to talk about sport. At the end of the day, I look at myself as something of a Renaissance Man. Not in the sense that I’m an artist who does paintings (especially those crap ones of melting clocks and spilled paint). I want to be remembered as a bloke who did things, lots of things - really brilliantly. If you look at my Wikipedia page (which I’ve just been editing), I’ve done Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrity Chef Island, and one of those things where celebrities go on holiday to India and Miriam Margolyes tells a story about giving a Guardsman a handjob.
But I digress – back to cricket. Well, it’s been another depressing week for the English team. Especially if you discount the First Test Match which England won by 227 runs. To some that was a wonderful victory, brought about by hard work and skill. To others, it was something of a fluke, a one-off, totally against the grain. But there you go – everyone’s entitled to their opinion. I pointed this out in my Telegraph column the other week. There’s another string to my massive bow, with lots of strings.
Who’d have thought journalism could be such hard work? To all you budding young cricket writers out there, remember it’s all about team work. I write my column by text on my phone (not just a text – but a long text). I then send it to someone over at The Telegraph who gives it the once over. He pads it out a bit (an additional 1,000 words or so) and then someone sticks my picture byline on the top and hey presto! It’s important to draw the reader in with incisive and attention-grabbing prose in the first paragraph and then add some colour (in the most recent case, my text read “inDiA hAvE wOn. tHe enD”). It’s then up to the guy at the Telegraph back home to add some full stops, check the spelling and totally re-write it.
I remember as a lad, growing up listening to the radio and thinking “one day I want to be in the TMS commentary box, pissing and moaning about how things were better in my day”. And lo and behold, I’ve been given my opportunity. It’s such a thrill to be working with Aggers, Tuffers, and Daggers, although it is a shame I never got to work with Arlotters, although someone told me he’d probably have told me to “fuck off” if I’d called him that. You can simply smell the history in that commentary box (not to mention Agger’s coffee breath).
In the aftermath of England losing the Second Test I’m now hearing that the management are sending players home because they’re suffering so-called “bubble fatigue”. I’m sorry, but I’m not having that. If I was Moeen Ali, I’d have been honoured to test positive and show the symptoms of a novel virus for my country. Back in the day, I was lucky enough to get the squits after a seafood platter in Sydney whilst wearing the Three Lions. All I can say is, it was a good job we were playing in coloured kit the next day, and not whites.
At one time the ECB was run by people who weren’t afraid to put their foot down with a firm hand. Now it’s full of woke leftists with zero common sense. What English cricket needs is a proper shake-up, a new broom, someone who’s going to come in and ruffle some feathers. I know it won’t go down well with everyone, and it’s going to offend the following minorities - women, people of colour, the Jewish community, the poor, disabled, the travelling community, Dermot Reeve – but I reckon Donald Trump should be the next Chairman of the ECB. Let’s face it, he gave the US a real shot in the arm (especially those death sentences he rushed through in his last couple of weeks).
For instance, can you imagine Donald Trump entertaining the thought of an England player going home for a nice break? Of course not! If he’d written a book entitled The Art Of Winning A Test Series In India, instead of The Art Of The Deal, I’m sure ‘let x player go home, have a nice cup of tea and put his feet up’ wouldn’t be in there. It’d be more “Kick their ass butts until third base is a touchdown”, or something like that.