• Matt Owen


As told to Matt Owen

Talk about touching a nerve! Little did I know my appearance on Gardener’s Question Time (Could the guy who’s re-writing this 15 times please check this is the correct TV show?) would cause such a fuss last week. Since Question of Sport was aired, I’ve received literally hundreds of thousands of messages in support of what I said. I should also add that six people have downloaded my new album, A Bit Down In The Dumps, so guess who’s laughing now. That’s right – me, that’s who’s laughing now.

While we’re talking about my new album, I thought I’d share the lyrics to one of the songs - it’s quite catchy after you’ve listened to it a few thousand times. Well that’s what my sound engineer said to his psychiatrist the other week.

It’s called Code Brown My Love

They get their minions to throw onions When you sing your song but it feels like Someone’s trodden on your bunions Someone’s turned the light off in the kitchen Now I have this strange, annoying itching

I need to borrow your strimmer my love Because my verges they need a trimming my love

My uncle was in the Day of The Jackal you know Not the one with Bruce Willis and the man from Pretty Woman No, I agree that wasn’t much cop, my love

I’ve been eating lots of boiled eggs Now I’m very constipated So very, very constipated Never been this constipated Guts like a lazy concrete mixer

Now I’ve taken a dozen Ex-Lax Walking home from Waitrose Here comes a code brown Here comes a code brown Start walking faster…walking faster, my love

Clenching my little buttocks, my love Just thinking of other things, my love Not thinking about going to the lavatory, my love

Thank God I’ve reached the front door Fumble in my pockets, my love Can’t find my door keys

(Guitar / Toilet Break)

The following day I made an appearance on the Juliet Bravo Two Zero Hartley Jam show on the radio. Julia’s a lovely lady, who immediately put me at my ease. “Hi Laurence – can I have your uncle’s autograph, please? Loved you on Question Time last night and loved you in whatever you were in which is now being repeated on ITV3 at 4 o’clock in the morning.”

The show went brilliantly. A man called Mick from Crawley called the show and said he agreed with everything I had said on the show the previous night. He told me that he’d also been racially abused in his local Indian restaurant, when him and a group of his colleagues had been called “Bastards” after leaving the premises without paying for their meal. I’m sorry, but where I come from, that’s straight up racism. Okay, they may have consumed £237 worth of food and drinks, and failed to pay for it, but in my book there’s no need to play the ‘thieving bastard’ card. Mick from Crawley then asked me what football team I supported – I told him I was a Manchester Forest man. I don’t think he liked this answer, because he called me a very rude word, indeed. In fact, Julia cut him off before he could use any ruder words, although looking back I’m not sure that’s possible.

People have often said being the son of big film star and the nephew of an even bigger film star, attending Harrow School and not growing up in a complete and utter shithole has given me something of a head start in life. I’m sorry if this kind of thing triggers some people, but you know what they say – deal with it!

Mine hasn’t been an easy journey. I’ve had to do my fair share of playing at being poor by doing jobs which I loathe, but know won’t eventually crush me by the God awful prospect of doing it for the rest of my life, because Pops is besties with Bob Altman.

The last few days on Twitter have been an absolute blast. After I tweeted that I wouldn’t consider dating a “woke” woman, things went totally ballistic (the album also shot up to Number 893 on the charts – winning). I think my brilliantly anti-PC Tweet really triggered a lot of chicks (yes, that’s right, I said “chicks” – deal with it) out there who seriously thought they were in with a chance. I’m not one to boast, but I’m something of a ladies man. Just the other day, three or four lovelies surrounded me in the high street – they were all over me. Sadly for them I had to say “No!” – not to mention “No, I’ve never considered selling the Big Issue”. Not sure what that was all about.

#laurencefox #satire #comedy #spoof #QuestionTime #woke #Twitter

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